Yes, my first post is about depression. Depression isn't taken very seriously; people think that depression is just being sad. Sadness is a primary symptom of depression, but depression is so much more. When you are sad it can fade, when you are depressed you feel so worthless. My depression has become a bit hard to maintain, after my friend died it got worse. Her name was Jay, she was a lesbian, one of the most badass lesbians. She does not approve the word dyke, we discussed that it sounds like a stupid tool.
I remember the day I found out she was gone, I was at work in the bank lobby, someone was calling me on Facebook Messenger. No one calls me on Facebook Messenger, but I can see that it is a friend of Jay's, we went to high school together. I ignored the first call. She called me back a second time, so I picked up, "Is Jay ok?". She told me Jay was in a coma and they were going to pull the cord that night. Earlier that week, I remember thinking, "How would I know one of my friends died if I'm not close to their families?" I guess I got that answer that day. Jay died of an overdose on her prescription medication. I will not assume it was suicide or an accident, but I know she will no longer have to suffer.
Before my friend's death, the way I coped with my depression, I watched and listened to stand-up comedy DAILY. My previous job allowed me to listen to headphones while I worked, so I was able to deal with my depression by laughing at life. I would listen to Bill Burr, Jim Gaffigan, Ralphie May and so many more. It was easy to just get up for work knowing I would be smiling at work. However, now I work at a company where I can't do that. Now, I wake up and I look in the mirror and hate what I see, but I can't let anyone know. When I get to work, all I want to do is make people smile and laugh. I wear goofy shoes and crazy colored socks, people point them out and laugh, that's my gift to a stranger who was having a bad day. I don't get to smile often so seeing a stranger smile makes me happy. I think back on Robin Williams and how much he shaped who I am today, how he would make so many people laugh and smile, but he had so many demons he had to fight. I sometimes worry about myself.
I work in a job where I can no longer smile. Waking has become harder, coming home has become harder, and I feel like a failure. Every two weeks I pay for my son's daycare with more than 75% of my paycheck, I can barely buy him a new spring jacket. Nevertheless, I always remember that life insurance policy I have. I actually don't know what to do. As a black woman, we usually just keep trucking until we die. I guess I have to keep on trucking.